A Newly Engaged Girl's Guide to The Knot.Com Crazies

So, Jen, from Operation Pink Herring, recently abandoned the internet for an extended length of time while she and her boyfriend went gallivanting around Barcelona.  When finally, her first post in over a week popped up in Google Reader, I immediately surfed the internet wave over to her place.  The first part of the post detailed the standard post-vacation slump, but then, the final picture in the entry was a picture of a gigantic diamond smack dab on her finger.  That sneaky girl went and got ENGAGED!

A few days ago, I got an email invite to attend her Surprise Virtual Engagement Party, the idea being that all of Jen's bloggy friends would post a wedding-themed entry on February 15th in honor of her big news.  It seemed simple enough, but immediately the pressure hit me.  I mean, what can you say to a recently engaged girl that she hasn't already heard a million times!  Clearly there is "Congratulations!", but I needed a little more than that to fill out an entire blog post.  So, I thought and I thought, and I realized that the first thing that most newly engaged girls do is log on to The Knot and often times get sucked into their message boards.

I loved using my local board to find vendor suggestions, but before much time had passed, I realized that there were certain types of people that I kept coming across.  And so, to help Jen out, I have decided that I will detail the nomenclature of The Knot should she decide to journey to that bizarro universe of all things wedding--The Knot Message Boards.

The Regular
The Regular is the easiest species to spot as they will almost always be the first people to respond to your queries, and have three or more of the small blue circles beneath their names in their posts.  The Regular  is the most predominant species in The Knot universe, and often can be sub categorized by some of the following descriptions as well.  If a poster has been married for more than a month and is still residing on The Knot, it is safe to assume that they are a Regular.

The Troll
The Troll can generally be found on typically peaceable boards, and their sole purpose in life is to wreak havoc and cause dissension amongst the masses.  It is usually easiest to spot the Troll by their use of all caps or poorly spelled missives, usually choosing a random "Regular" and criticizing their carefully constructed "Knottie Bio".  The Troll is most efficiently dealt with by ignoring their attempts at upheaval and feeds on heated responses such as, "Oh yeah, well I bet ur fat and ur fiance hates you!"  Proceed with caution.

The Co-Dependent
The Co-Dependent can be easily detected by their chosen identifying moniker.  It will typically involve composition such as "Mrs.XXXtobe"  "XXX'sWifetobe", and in extreme cases "XXX'sGirl4Eva".   It is important to note that although this species' identity seems to have melded with that of their mate, it is almost always harmless to others unless provoked by its main predator, The Troll.

The Beebee
The Beebee is a species of poster who has chosen their life mate at an age that is lower than that of the average bride.  However, the youth of the species alone does not qualify it as a Beebee.  This is a trickier species to spot, as it is usually necessary to investigate their chosen nuptial arrangements.  In addition to their youth, the Beebee will typically include a great deal of pink in their decorating scheme--often including several different shades of the color with contrasts of lavender or possibly ivory.  You will also often find that they have selected a cake topper in the shape of a castle,  reference the term "fairy tale princess" in their descriptions, almost universally choose to wear a tiara, and generally have a date set two or more years in the future.  Like the Co-Dependent, the Beebee is fairly harmless though often considered a pest.

The Shrew
The Shrew is the most dangerous species of the lot, although if observed from a safe distance, often a source of great entertainment.  The Shrew is the hunter of the universe, and they move in large packs, feeding on Regulars, Co-Dependents, and Beebees.  Their natural habitat is the Not Engaged (Yet) board, but they often forage for their kill in other boards selected at random.  The Shrew is often an older, married woman and is most easily identified by their razor sharp tongues, sarcastic comments, and regular use of foul language.  They are a fascinating species to study, however, approach at your own risk.

This is of course, not a comprehensive list of the species you are likely to find when traveling through the wilds of The Knot message boards.  Jen, I wish you the best of luck on the battle field that is wedding planning.  Congratulations once again on finding such a wonderful man, and I look forward to hearing all about your beautiful wedding day when the time comes. 

(Important side note:  Be assured that as beautiful as everyone else's weddings are sure to be, you will always know in your heart that YOUR wedding was the most beautiful.  And you'll always be completely right!)

Comments

[Audrey]

Oh, man, I am so happy that my time on the Knot was message-board free! I can't even imagine trying to plan my wedding AND dealing with all those Krazees!

[RA]

I love this! I never went on The Knot's message boards, but I admit to a morbid addiction to the Wedding of the Week slideshows. Still! Over two years later! What does that make me? Oh, yes. Pathetic.

I would love to see a spoof production with this type of tone, something like "Bridezillas in the Mist," where a low-toned explorer-type talks into a tape recorder about the bridezillas in their natural habitat:

"I call this one Sheba, as the other bridezillas regard her as queen. Oh, look! A newcomer! Let's observe."

[Miriam]

Also-the day after your nuptials you will start getting emails from thenest. Thenest is more vicious than those pesky people who continually ask "when are you going to get pregnant?"

[elise]

Oh my goodness, it's like a whole corner of the Internet I wasn't even aware of. The Knot message boards: comedy gold? I am meandering over to see what's what immediately!

[katelin]

I love everyone's wedding themed posts, they're so funny and entertaining. I love your names for the people on the boards, something I'll definitely look for when I get engaged, haha.

[janet]

ok this was too funny! I pictured you saying it outloud with a British accent like you are on a National Geographic show. The knot always kinda scared me too!

[RisibleGirl]

Congrats to Jen! Woo hoo!

And I'm passing this good info on to my future DIL. Five more months to go!

[M]

Hey, I'll be honest... I like the Not Quite Engaged board on iVillage a LOT better than the newly engaged and crazy bridezilla boards. (And the LDR one has been pretty blah since all the old timers left.) Haven't ventured onto the Knot boards because I'm really not as into it as the rest of that website would like me to be. It's just one day, ya know?

[Operation Pink Herring]

This is so, so awesome. I created a login for the knot, but I didn't even know there WERE message boards! Clearly I have much to learn. And now I am prepared!

[Cat]

OH! I should have KNOWN you were a Knottie.
;-)

So was I. You missed one archtype: The AL. (Acronymn-lover.)

Her MOH made her ROFL when her BM screwed up the STDs by accident but her DF mailed them, anyway.

Warning: she's contagious. And the first time you mention "STD" and you're not referring to an unfortunate incident on spring break? You know your soul has been consumed by The Knot.

[Lindsey]

I love this! I'm getting married in June and I've been obsessed with the knot checklist. Actualyl I live by it. The greatest pleasure is checking something off and clicking "update." I tend to stay away from the message boards though and just look at the pretty pictures for inspiration LOL

[Brie]

RA directed me to your post and you are so right!! Too funny!!

[alyndabear]

This is my first time to your site, but made me laugh hysterically. LOVE IT.